PARANOIA

At a large corporate call center I encountered a vending machine that dispensed "Gourmet Coffee." One of the options was something called a Butterfinger Frothe -- coffee that tastes like a candy bar! I dropped in my money and watched as a paper cup dropped into the Beverage Dispensation Area. As the liquid squirted into the cup, a protective plastic shield rotated into place, courteously preventing any errant splashes from soiling my casual wear. When the machine had completed its dispensing procedure, it produced a pleasing "ding" sound as a red light flicked on above the words "Caution: Hot Liquid."

As the protective shield retracted into the machine, I discovered the little red light was not lying. This Butterfinger Frothe was not only very hot, but the beverage had Frothed half an inch above the lid of the cup! This made the task of extracting the coffee rather delicate. I took the cup with both hands, gently lifting it off the drainage grate. As I slowly began to lift the cup away from the machine, the protective plastic shield suddenly activated, striking my wrists with considerable force! Instinctively, I jabbed back at the shield while desperately attempting to keep the cup level. The shield quickly retracted, but only for a "running start" as it once again thrust toward my hands. Forgoing caution, I yanked the cup out of the machine -- scalding hot coffee spilling over both hands.

Apparently, this machine was so eager to protect me from coffee burns, it attempted to shield me from the drink... even as I was holding it in my hands.

On the positive side, the beverage tasted like a glass of hot water into which a Butterfinger candy bar had been suspended for about seven seconds. I've heard this is how such confections are enjoyed in many Third World countries.